The Naked Truth: Hungry Hippo


“I hear a lot of talk about foods that make you horny. Is there a known aphrodisiac that really works?”

-Hungry Hippo

Named after the Greek goddess Aphrodite — the goddess of love, beauty and fertility — aphrodisiacs have been talked about far and wide for centuries and have come up just as cultural myth rather than fact. However, people are still pulled in by the allure of a food potent enough to cause immediate arousal. These foods are believed to stimulate sexual desire and arousals; enhance sex drive and performance; and extend your sexual energy. People around the world have tried foods, beverages, drugs and chemicals in hopes of finding that natural Viagra.

But the big wigs at the FDA say there are no aphrodisiacs proven to pinch your buns better than plain old fatal attraction. In reality, some can be harmful and potentially dangerous. Also, remember that aphrodisiacs are like herbal supplements; no one is regulating them. This makes it hard for you to know exactly what you’re getting when you pick up a bottle of instant lust from your local sex shop. If you’re still determined, make sure you know all the ingredients and how they can affect your body before making a serious purchase. Let’s look at a few ingredients and foods rumored to put the zest back in your sex life:

Spanish fly is the most dangerous of them all despite a long, fabled history of effectiveness. The potion dates as far back as early western Mediterranean civilizations. It’s made by desiccating the flies and works in irritating your bladder and urethra, causing increased blood flow to the genitals. But this can scar urethral tissue, cause infections, cause perpetual erection or an inflamed vulva — both of which can halt your horn in no time. Not to mention, with prolonged use it can be poisonous and even fatal. Turns out alchemists knew little to nothing about what turns women on.

More modern aphrodisiacs include oysters — which switch genders in their lifetime and are rumored to enhance gender understanding — clams and other seafood due to their resemblance to sexual organs, and their high zinc content stimulates the formation of testosterone. Bananas cue that visual recognition as well and their lush, creamy texture makes for enticing foreplay.

Chocolate is claimed to be such a potent aphrodisiac it was banned from some monasteries. Typically any spicy foods that make your heart beat faster will make your leg twitch as well but if you’re into something a little less conventional, try raw bulls testicles (seriously) or ground rhinoceros horn, which is allegedly where the term “horny” comes from.

All of these are safe to experiment with and test on your own but don’t be tempted to overindulge if they don’t work out. Nothing is worse than sitting on the sidelines after a tummy ache from too many rocky mountain oysters.

On a serious note, there are certain drugs that can be used as aphrodisiacs. Alcohol, marijuana, cocaine, amphetamines and barbiturates, just to name a few, are often used as social lubricants. However, with long term or abusive use, they can permanently damage sexual response and we encourage everyone to avoid this route. Stay sober for every sexual encounter — not only will it enhance the experience, but it also decreases the chance for sexual assault. Plus, in the state of Arizona, no one under the influence of any drug or alcohol can legally give consent. Stick to milk and honey and everything will be peachy keen.

Regardless of whether aphrodisiacs really work or not, the power of your brain is the key here. The power of suggestion, psychology and emotionality is more powerful than any substances listed above. If you believe munching oysters and bananas will make your heart pitter-patter for your loveless romance, you may need to reconsider your options. But if the heat is there, a plate of seafood and fondue can take your romance to the next level.

But of course spiffy clean sheets, a few lit candles and a turned-on partner can do the same exact thing. And it doesn’t include eating bull testicles.


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